I found this news very disappointing and very sad after reading it on a South African news website.

A 26-year-old lady, Aviwe Jam Jam has been found dead in Khayelitsha, Cape Town, few months after escaping from her ‘abusive’ boyfriend.

The mother of one, who is suspected to have been beaten to death by her boyfriend was found by her family at the Vygieskraal Stadium, Athlone, 29, 24km from her home.

Aviwe’s aunt, Nondumiso Zizi told reporters that her niece left for Pretoria and asked not to be looked for because she was hiding from her abusive boyfriend of several years and father of her 2-year-old child.

“Aviwe was in an abusive relationship with this boyfriend. Aviwe’s mother tried to warn Aviwe of this, but she wouldn’t listen. She loved [her] boyfriend, so there was nothing we could do about it.”

“Aviwe’s mother suspected that Aviwe won’t come [back] alive because of the way the boyfriend was treating her.”

The deceased’s aunt, further disclosed that Aviwe’s boyfriend came to their home, looking for Aviwe and had assaulted her stepfather with a panga because he thought the family was hiding Aviwe.

“He [the stepfather] was bleeding and the whole yard was full of blood because of them and the boyfriend climbed on top of him and said they should kill him.”

Minister of police, South Africa, Fikile Mbalula on a visit to the deceased’s family urged women to report abuse as soon as possible.

“Women, stand your ground because if you put up with abuse, you are putting up with death.

”He has been arrested for assault and alleged murder,” Mbalula said.

26-year-old Aviwe Jam Jam and her Abusive boyfriend

This kind of news saddens me. I have always advocated for ladies to report abuse, speak out and don't die in silence.

No man that loves you will ever raise his hands on you! Get out of that relationship, he is not yours.

Now, she is dead and the boyfriend walks freely unless the law catches up with him.

One of the biggest problems men face is knowing how to make love to a woman!

Unfortunately what commonly happens is men get their sexual advice friends or from pornography. As a result, they have a distorted view of what sex is actually about.

If you really want to know how to make love, you should follow a PROVEN system that is guaranteed to give pleasure to a woman.

In this article, I'll discuss a step-by-step system that many guys use to have great sex:

Step 1- Put her in 'The Mood'

Before you have sex, you have to put your woman in the mood. This involves setting up the right kind of environment which will enhance her pleasure.

To put her in the mood, you should darken the room, light some candles and put on good music. Your focus should be to create an atmosphere which emphasizes sensuality. If she is not a candle or music type , try and find out want will make her feel relax .

Step 2- Use foreplay

Foreplay is one of the most important things to learn about how to make love to a woman. Using foreplay is the best way to transition from a conversation to having sex.

Typically foreplay involves kissing, "heavy petting" and sensual massages. The rule of thumb is to really focus on her pleasure and start building up intensity.

Step 3- Give her oral sex

Towards the end of foreplay, you need to start giving her oral sex but not all lady like it ,70% do . Start slowly and use your tongue and fingers.

Since women like different things in oral sex, try to experiment with various oral sex techniques. When you see her get really excited, continue to do whatever is getting her into it.

Step 4- Tease her

Once you've brought her to the pinnacle of pleasure from oral sex, you should start to have sex. Now most guys will just start having sex without any thought.

This is a mistake!

Instead of going right for sex, you should start to tease her. What you should do is go slowly and start to have sex, then stop. Keep doing this till she goes crazy and practically pulls you inside her.

Step 5- Start slowly and build up intensity

Now once you've having sex, it's important to change paces (and positions). Again your focus is to concentrate on her pleasure and make sure she's really enjoying herself.

What really works is to build up speed then pull back to a slow and sensual pace. Keep doing this pattern till both of you can't take it anymore.

Knowing how to make love to a woman is an important skill to have. If you can follow the five step process I described in this article, you'll instantly become the best lover she's ever had.

Remember having sex on bed always is boring, try something different.

Relationship is not a bed of roses, at times conflict may arise but the way we handle it is what makes up super partners, or should I say some pros in a relationship.

As a lady, I have past through abusive relationship, and that is one of the real reason why I set up this blog.

I have come to conclusion that since I suffered such abuses in my previous relationship, then I need to take a precaution and help others on how to solve their own problems in a relationship.

If you have a problem, kindly make it open and let you and your partner discuss it, I have compiled five simple but wisdom ways to handle such conflicts when it arise.

I recently read a post on Readers Digest platform, and I indeed, digested all that I read, I put it to work and it worked for me, I guess it will also works for you.

Below is the five ways to solve problems in a relationship

1). Describe the Problem in a Few Words — and Let Your Partner Respond

This part is extremely important because the opening round in problem-solving involves getting your overview of the issue out on the table. Don’t let it smolder or expect your partner to guess!

Example:
You: “If we go to your parents’ house for the weekend, I won’t be able to get our tax return information together before the workweek starts.”

Your spouse: “My parents have been planning for this visit for months. I don’t think we can or should just cancel.”

2). Decide if you’ve got a problem or just a difference.

If an issue isn’t threatening your health, safety, or financial security, doesn’t work against your shared vision for your marriage, and doesn’t put an unfair burden on you, then it may simply be a sign that the two of you are two different people.

Perhaps you’re an extrovert and love parties, while your partner’s introvert personality makes him or her crave quiet nights at home.

Perhaps you’re great at starting projects, while your partner’s terrific at sticking with it until every last detail is finished. Or maybe one of you is a morning person, the other a night owl. In that case, the solution is acceptance, not trying to change your partner. Look for the ways that your differences are marriage-strengthening assets.

3). Pick the right time.

Problem solving is least likely to work when you’re tired, hungry, overloaded, stressed, distracted, or trying to do something else at the same time, such as making dinner, catching up on work from the office, or relaxing in front of the TV. Save big talks for a better time.

4). Practice loving acceptance.

Learning the art of accepting and valuing your partner for who he or she is — instead of grousing about shortcomings — may actually help the two of you find better solutions to problems, experts say. This loving accommodation melts defenses and motivates us to want to please each other.

5). Give your mate the benefit of the doubt.

The next time you’re feeling disappointed, hurt, or angry with your spouse, pause before jumping to conclusions.

Maybe your spouse is tired, hungry, or preoccupied — or doesn’t see the impact of his or her actions. Search for a benevolent explanation that will allow you to treat your mate with love and respect.

I believe the above five tips will help you solve your relationships problem.

Straight from my email box. A reader who happened to be male sent the below post to me and I'm going to share it without delay.

Abusive Relationships

While we are talking about how to walk out of Abusive Relationship/Marriage we least forget that it takes courage and strength to say goodbye to the love of your life.

Faliana Lee | Credit: twitter

Relationships can be great. However, that doesn't mean it won't have its issues. Discover the enormous issues in a relationship and figure out how to settle it.

Relationships are one of the main things that every one of us underestimate.

We would prefer not to underestimate it.

In any case, yet, we overlook how much something truly matters to us when we don't remain to lose it.

Also, it as a rule takes losing something to understand its significance and esteem.

Pondering what the enormous issues in a relationship are, and what you can do to defeat it?

Problems in a relationship

Depending on the kind of relationship you share with your partner, the problems in a relationship too could be just as unique.

But almost always, all problems in a relationship find their place in some big areas.

At some point or the other, these problems have a way of creeping into your romance.

Keep an eye on these issues, and understand how to overcome it, and you’ll see how easy it can be to eliminate all the frustrations you experience in a relationship.

9 big problems that need your attention

Remember this, you can’t stop problems from cropping up in a relationship no matter how perfect the relationship is. What you can do instead, is eliminate the frustration as soon as you notice them.

#1 Lack of communication. At the start of the relationship, conversations are exciting and fun. Both of you spend a lot of time getting to know each other. But as time goes by, lovers forget to ask the same questions again.

We’re all changing all the time, in our preferences and the way we look at life. Don’t assume you know everything about each other or your romance will start to stagnate, or one of you will start to confide in some other person who seems more understanding.

#2 Trust. Do you really trust your partner? There are two kinds of trust in a relationship. Firstly, do you trust your partner enough to feel comfortable with them going out for dinner with someone else? If you don’t, perhaps, you’re insecure or your relationship is still too fragile.

And secondly, do you trust your partner’s decisions? Do you think your partner is capable of making important decisions for the both of you? If you can’t trust your partner with life altering decisions, it’s obvious that you don’t respect your partner or their opinions. And that’s never a good sign in a long term relationship.

#3 Jealousy and insecurity. Insecure couples are forever locked in a cycle of jealously and anger. When you feel jealous about the attention your lover’s getting or their recent promotion, you’re not helping them become a better individual. It’s like a parent who’s angry with their child because the child is having “too much fun”.

You need to learn to have faith in each other and in the relationship. Instead of letting negativity build inside the relationship, learn to enjoy each other’s successes. After all, your partner is your better half, and any accomplishments of theirs are your accomplishments too, isn’t it? [Read: Tips to handle insecurity in a relationship]

#4 Incompatibility in love. Love at first sight and infatuation can last several months. And it does a good job of masking any differences in a relationship. As perfect as two people may be, sometimes, they may just not be perfect for each other.

If you find yourself dating someone with whom you have nothing in common, you need to decide on the next step. Try to find common interests that both of you like, or walk your own paths instead of living in frustrations.

#5 Loss of sex drive. This isn’t rocket science. Over time, both of you are bound to lose the sexual urge of the first few months or years of a relationship. While both of you may have a hard time keeping your hands off each other to begin with, now sex may start to feel like a chore.

This is a very common problem in relationships, and yet, it’s one of the easy ones to solve. Always look for new ways to recreate the sexual high of the first few times, and before you know it, both of you may go at it all over again like frisky bunnies.

#6 Change in priorities. You may be in a relationship, but that doesn’t change who you are. And that’s where the problem starts. As individuals, we evolve and change all the time. You’re not the person you were last year, and you won’t be the person you are now next year.

And just like you, your partner too is changing constantly. And every now and then, you and your partner may experience changes that will pull both of you apart from each other. And soon enough, both of you may have nothing in common. Spend enough time with each other and try to evolve together in a similar direction. Talk about your beliefs and your interests with each other and it’ll help both of you grow together along the same path.

#7 Time. Do both of you have enough time to spend with each other? These days, time is a luxury that most lovers can’t afford. When you start spending too much time away from each other, it’s only a matter of time before one of you starts asking the big question, “Do I need my partner in my life anymore?”

Don’t drift away so far that both of you don’t need to be with each other anymore. Find ways to indulge in exciting hobbies or spend evenings going out on little coffee or ice cream dates. They make for great conversations and it’ll bring both of you closer too.

#8 Space and individual growth. Now this is contradictory to the earlier problem in relationships. But it’s still something to watch out for. Too much of a good thing can turn out to be bad too. When you’re in a relationship, spending time with each other is very important. But at the same time, spending time away from each other is crucial too.

By spending too much time together, you’d subconsciously feel isolated from the rest of the world. And when that happens, you’d crave for any attention from other interesting people just to feel better about yourself and your ability to communicate. And you know what could happen when that happens, right?

#9 Are you still in love? This is the biggest problem in a relationship, and one that’s hardest to overcome. Falling in love is easy. Staying in love isn’t. Love is a delicate balance between dependency and passion. How much do you need your partner? How much do you love and want your partner?

When the sexual excitement and the enthusiasm fade away, what do you have to hold both of you together? A relationship should never be based on sex alone. It needs compatibility and understanding, and it definitely needs dependability. Staying in love forever is not easy, but with a little effort, it can give meaning to your life.

Problems in a relationship can come and go. But if you ever come face to face with these 9 big problems in romance, don’t overlook it. It could cost you the relationship itself.

Article credit: Lovepanky

Every woman has a past. Some were physically abused. Some had violent parents. Some had pubertal issues. Some had sexual abuse as a child from their own family members. Some had messed up love stories. Some had been forced into sex in the name of love.

Some had been drugged. Some were date raped. Some had been viciously photographed on bed. Some had been blackmailed by their ex-boyfriend. Some were in an abusive relationship.

Some had menstrual problems. Some had a broken family. Some had a divorce. Some had an obesity issue. Some had financial droughts. Some had drug or alcohol addiction. Some had a few unsuccessful suicide attempts.

If you see a woman, who went through any of these but had already wiped her tears, tied her hair up, masked her sorrows with a divine smile, stood tall and strong, started walking towards her future because she still has some hope left inside her and has not given up on the concept of love that still exists in this world, do not stab her with her past.

Do not confront her. Do not slap her with more abuse. Give way for her and walk beside her. May be hold her hands and walk for a while. You'll know how sweet that soul is and how strong her hopes are! You'll be amazed at how she carries herself after all her energy has been sucked out.

She need not always be only the woman next door or from a different home. She could be your own friend, your own sister, your own girlfriend, your own wife, even may be your own mother. Do not judge her by her past. Gift her the peaceful future that she deserves. Hold her hands against the world, which knows only to judge.

Give her the love that she always yearned for.

Love respect women.

Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Unlike physical abuse which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse can be more insidious and elusive. In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim are fully aware it’s happening.

14 Signs that You're In An Abusive Relationship

Here are fourteen signs that show that you are truly in an Abusive Relationship and why you need to leave.

[LIST]

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

3. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

4. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings

5. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true

6. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness

7. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

8. They don’t show you empathy or compassion

9. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility

10. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

11. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings

12. They share personal information about you with others

13. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted

14. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

Above are the fourteen signs that proved that you are truly in an emotionally abusive relationship and the best thing you need to do is to let go, just LEAVE!

When you love someone truly and decide to get married to that person, it is only because you believe that you two are meant to be together and complement each other in every way. 

Especially for women, marriage is the most important and sacred institution in the world and they do their best to keep it as special, committed and everlasting as they can. And many a times, when they unfortunately find out that their husband cheated, they still for some reason do not walk out of the relationship. 

10 Real Reasons Why Women Choose To Stay On With Their Cheating Husbands

Be it the circumstances, their low self-esteem or something else, there is something that makes them forgive their spouse, thus giving him a second chance.

But can we really blame her for doing so? Are we correct to judge? Here are reasons why we should not judge these women and why these women chose to ignore a cheating husband.

(1). They feel that everyone deserves a second chance

And somehow they feel that if they do forgive him and give him a fresh start, he will appreciate this gesture and be a better person. They make themselves believe that he will change.

(2). They are scared

They worry if they leave their husband, where will they go. Sadly, even today, many educated families too do not support their daughters who want to take a stand against a cheating or an abusive husband fearing what the society will think or say. So, can we really blame her for not taking a stand?

(3). They do not want to be a failure

As a person, in front of their families and in love! They want to make things right. They believe that love will make every bad dream fade away, and so, by deciding to forgive their husband they feel or try to feel safe and protected once again.

(4). A low self-worth

Some women feel really under-confident, and have a low self-esteem when it comes to taking care of themselves. They feel they would not be fine on their own, thanks to the male-dominated and orthodox traditional Indian society. All they need is a little push and some motivation to make them realise how strong and self-sufficient they are and any day better off alone than with a cheat!

(5). Because you have children and do not want them to suffer

They feel that their children might not be happy with their decision when they understand it as they grow up. Also, what will the society say, how will they treat them, what rights will the children get if they leave their husband? All these questions clutter their mind and keep them from walking off.

(6). Not very well-educated

Women who are not very well-educated doubt their potential. Because their folks got them married at a relatively young age and they could not finish their education, they fear they will never get a well-paying job that will help sustain them. So, they decide to stay on and hope for things to get better.

(7). Not wanting to be the woman who got dumped

They feel possessive of their husband even though he cheated. And whether they walk out on him or he decides to leave, they do not want to be the woman who got dumped. They want the other woman to suffer.

(8). Finding excuses for him

Because they still cannot believe why this happened to them when they both loved each other so much, they try to find excuses for him. They feel responsible for his actions. They feel that it was because of them, their actions, their appearance or actions that he cheated.

(9). Better the beast you know than the one you don't!

They have spent a long time with their spouse and even though he cheated, they feel that they still know him and so they do not have to fear the unknown or be with someone new after leaving him. It is more convenient and comfortable that way.

(10). A belief that true love still exists

She married him because she loved him and wanted to be with him forever. She does not know what went wrong and what compelled him to cheat. All she knows is that she wants him back, the guy she fell in love with and the guy who will not cheat on her ever again!

All said and done, there is a very slight possibility that he will ever change because- once a cheater, always a cheater. So instead of believing that he will change for the better and doubting your self-worth, get up and take a stand while there is still time. You are young, confident and smart and capable of giving yourself and your kids a comfortable life.

Our guest today on Abusive Relationship stories is Cynthia Lolo, she just narrated what she passed through when she was a teenager while in an abusive relationship. Read below:

Cynthia Lolo

-by Cynthia Lolo

Very often when I speak to people about Intimate Partner Violence, I see that they fail to recognize that abuse can occur between two teenage lovers, they tend to believe that it transpires just between an older man/woman and a teenager. Sadly, in our part of the world teenagers are not encouraged to be in relationships hence we have very few teenagers coming out and looking for help for fear of being shamed and ridiculed.

But then again I wish that being shamed was the worst part of this; when we live in a society that is oblivious to the realities of abusive teenage relationships, we end up with emotionally damaged adults who are just becoming aware of an abuse that occurred years ago.

The idea and knowledge of abuse widely spread do not incorporate relationships where teenagers are abused by their own peers, and the different dynamic and forms abuse can occur.

As a teenager, information that addresses all these dynamics would have greatly helped me navigate and discern exactly what is and is not a healthy relationship. A certain relationship comes to mind when I look back.

As a fast paced teenager, I got myself in a relationship where I believed we loved each other, and to express our love for each other, my boyfriend would propose we have sexual intercourse but it was not something I believed I was ready for. So he came with an idea that we just play it out, as clueless teenagers we would get in position and have what people call dry sex; all the sexual activities just with no penetration. During these moments of passion, I would be in physical pain but I had lacked the strength to stop him, as I knew he wouldn’t stop until he was done.

So every time we met we would go through the same routine and all times I felt powerless, and a sadness that I could not understand consumed me. I often feared to refuse him these moments of passion as I knew he would walk me out like he did once.

The days I tried to leave the relationship, he would beg me and everyone he knew and never stopped telling me he loved me.

With this, one will be tempted to imagine me as young, naïve and timid young lady but I was the complete opposite. I was not shy and I voiced my opinion regarding anything and anyone, even to my boyfriend but when it came down to those moments my voice was needed the most, I could not! I have heard of ladies who have been in the similar situations but were seen as strong and opinionated women that one won’t dare believe will stay in such situation.

However what people fail to realize is that a lot of people voice out more in other situations to overcompensate for that area they lack the strength to speak up; in a bid to cover their shame of powerlessness and live in a false reality that they are in control even in those moments.

False sense of control and power can also occur when the abuser begs and cries for you not to leave the relationship. You see that as an act of victory for all those moments where you were powerless, hence you feel it’s normal. You have revenged and gotten your pound of flesh, but during that moment of passion, the sadness that consumes you reminds you that you are not in control.

So, he would beg me to take him back, nonetheless I knew within me that I did not like how I felt in that relationship but I knew that we loved each other .It was very hard for me to fully understand why I felt that way, I choked it up as I needed someone new and something fresh, after all the relationship had lasted a few years. But all the instances I tried to leave were futile, and to my surprise the moment I had long been waiting for came, I travelled to further my studies. I made sure we stop communicating and suspected he would know we no longer could date.

A year past and I confided in a close University friend and explained everything, very casually if I might add. She was in awe and explained to me that what happened in that relationship was abuse and I was being emotionally and sexually abused. I didn’t want to believe her because there was no way I will be abused and not recognize it, I knew he didn’t force me or inflict bruises on me so I did not see where the abuse was coming from; but on the other hand my emotions betrayed me. It reminded me of the sadness I felt and after I googled it up, all emotions linked to abuse.

The first thing one will ask “Why didn’t you tell someone?” but in teenage relationships, things are often never black and white. In regards to sexual activities, one can’t confide in their peers because these peers believe that it’s normal in relationship and hence won’t be of much help and for adults they would shame you for being in a relationship and believe you asked for it as they also equate dating with sex.

The rationale that dating is synonymous with sex has caused much harm in our society that teenagers go into a relationship with that as the core in mind, hence when the teen girl or guy does not give or request for sex, they believe that the relationship is futile and somewhat shameful. I am aware that back then in our great-grand parents’ world, the people got married quite early- their late teenage years, just as they came into their sexual prime. This is not the case for our world now, as young people wait till their mid and late 20 to get married; sadly this gap gives room for sexual activities to occur among mid and late teens.

Equally this gap is never addressed and teenagers believe sex is something that ought to happen in a relationship, young girls lacks the motivation to fight back and refuse to get involved in sexual activities as she believes it is something that she has to give into if not she’s not in a proper romantic relationship. One of the main reasons we have lots of teenagers having voluntary but unwanted sex; that is they give consent but they ultimately did not want to experience intercourse.

This undeniably opens the door for abuse to occur, if we throw in, the emotional maturity that a teenager hasn’t developed, you begin to understand why teenagers are unable to understand and rationalise why they feel a certain way and remain oblivious to that fact that are being abused.

After I googled up abuse and began to relate them with what had happened me and I accepted it. Years passed and I reached out to that boyfriend of mine, I noticed that he still lived in the memory of an “ideal” us and how much he loved what we shared. He spoke about how I had left him devastated when I broke contact with him and how often he wondered why I disappeared in that manner as he knew we were in a happy place when I relocated.

I then decided to disclose all that had transpired in our relationship from my own eyes and exactly how it made me feel. I could sense that he was devastated and incredibly apologetic , it troubled me as I did not believe he was honestly remorseful but he disclosed to me , how he too was unaware of what he was doing as he was very young as well. He never believed his actions hurt me in those ways and believed that was the normal way to live.

Sigh! You see everything is not always what they seem; a few years ago I would say that I alone was the victim in this abusive relationship .But! That is not entirely true; I and my boyfriend were both victims. I was a victim of his lack of knowledge and he was a victim of a society that do not carter to young boys. A society where these young boys grow up with no idea of what a relationship should be about; they grow up practicing what they believe seems okay, that is what they learnt from the street, uncle and peers who themselves have no concrete knowledge of what a relationship is all about, so we have a vicious cycle.

Undoubtedly he acted in ways his peers did, thinking it was the normal thing to do, I am also aware that people will be skeptical and have doubts about young men like him believing it’s the abuser technique to apologise when caught and continue.

But I urge us all to look at matters like these from a different lens; why do we assume that a young man is emotionally mature to understand and properly rationalise his feelings but a young girl is not? It is a mistake we all make, we all believe that young men choose to be abusive regardless of if they know better or not, but tend to understand that young girls do not know better. It is this belief that lets us as a society leave young boys to carter for themselves believing that they do not need much guidance , hence we fail to provide mentors who will guide them and teach them how to discern what is healthy and unhealthy.

In our society we teach boys what to expect and not how to behave and teach girls how to behave and not what to expect, there is no way this won’t cause conflict. The young man believed physical intimacy was what was expected of a relationships and I believed I was meant to behave in a way that matched up to that expectation.

Our boys need to be taught to ask “Is that okay” as we live in a patriarchal society , boys are tempted to believe that whatever they do is perfectly acceptable as long as it pleases them ; they are oblivious to the fact that it just might not sit well with someone else. Our girls also need to learn to how to say “That is not okay” without being asked or waiting for someone to validate their pain.

All around the world, women express their anger everyday on how ill-mannered men behave and when asked to teach them exactly how they should behave, they shrivel away agitated as they believe it is not their job to. But what happens when we all fold our arms and pout, is that we have a society where young men act with no regards for anyone not because they want to hurt you but because their moral compass has being broken; they do not know what is right from wrong.

Our men need to come together and address this gap; lack of positive mentors for young boys and a safe place where non-judgmental dialogues can be held are very paramount as violence will continue to occur in our society when teenagers do not understand anything about relationship and lack good mentors guiding them along the way.

-by Jasmine Narin

I read something today that hit close to home and made me feel so blessed for the life I have today. But it breaks my heart that there is so much heartache in this world.

And today I was reminded about abusive relationships.

There is so much stigma out there over "Abusive relationships" and it usually consists of stereotyping men and women, Basically blaming them for their unfortunate situation.

"The woman is stupid for staying"
"The man is an asshole and controlling"

Of course they're really are people out there that want to hurt others.
But in these cases you'll find, That this was never the intention of both partners.

It's heartbreaking for both people who lovingly entered a union together with high hopes.
But then either one of them or both of them lost their way.

They end up hurting the other beyond repair and instead of fixing it or even they do try to fix it. It just gets worse they end up in seperate rooms despising each other wondering where it all went wrong.

I really dislike it when someone judges a relationship that is obviously damaged, adding their two cence to it and making their friend feel stupid or lesser than because they want to stay in a relationship that is hurting them.

I'm not condoning abusive relationships whatsoever but what I don't condone is judging another persons journey.

I am someone who has survived an abusive relationship, the things that happened between us are far to awful to share here, But I will say this.

I do not hate him. I don't deem him a "Horrible person"
He was a good person with a good heart who made horrible decisions.

I forgive him for all the things he did to me because deep down there is someone under all that brokenness that can make a better life and fix himself. And I pray to God sometimes that he helps him do so.

If we could all be just a little more loving, Understanding, Maybe see the bigger picture.

We wouldn't be sitting back and judging each other making someone feel even more worthless than they did in the first place.

And to anyone a man or a woman who is in this situation.
I hope you're ok,

Stay strong, you are loved. You don't have to make any decisions right now. If no one is being patient and kind to you then please do so for yourself.

And please pray hard and meaningfully.
You are not alone.

One day you'll meet someone who will love you, hold you and look at you the way you always dreamed.

It happened for me.

And it will happen for you.

God bless you all

Here is the compiled list of Abusive Relationship quotes you should read and know how to get over it. Relationships and Marriages that are being mixed up with abusiveness are what is trending on the global communities today, and many are dying in silence for not speaking up.

Here on Abusive Relationship platform, I share stories and quotes that will give you the courage to break free and regain yourself from such abusive world.

Read below:

Quote 1. Don't be afraid losing someone who doesn't feel lucky to have you.

Moral lesson: Learn how to let go when the person whom you think you love, ain't what you thought he/she was. Just find the door and get away, otherwise you might be a victim of Abusive Relationship.

Quote 2. Sometimes we refuse to see how bad something is, until it completely destroys us.

Moral lesson: Some people fall in love at first sight, but what attracted them at first wasn't how it is, when their friends tries to intervene, telling them how bad it's they give a deaf ear and continue until they become a victim of an Abusive Relationship.

Quote 3. Don't you dare tell me how easy it is to leave an abusive relationship when you've never been in one.

Moral lesson: Those who have tasted it will tell you how, what they went through, someone who haven't been there do not have the right to say it. In all of this, draw experience from the people that have been in one, and learn your lessons. Don't be a victim!

Quote 4. Sometimes to let go of a toxic or abusive relationship is because your child is watching

Moral lesson: This is strictly for those that are married with kids, learn your lessons, know when to let go, whatever you do, your child is watching and psychologically he or she is affected by what is going on.

Quote 5: A healthy relationship doesn't drag you down; It inspires you to be better!

Moral lesson: When you are into a healthy relationship, your attitude and character will change, and the way you see things will automatically change, because it inspires you to be better than you think.

Quote 6. It doesn't matter what she did, It's never okay to hit a woman!

Moral lesson: Men this is for you, an adage once said that the day you hit a woman, the day you failed to be called a man.

I wish men will learn from this six quotes and women should also learn how to let go, don't say it's because of Love, No! he never loved you.

No man can love a woman and have the heart to raise his hands on her.

Take the door and get away, move on with your life. You have it, live it to the fullest, don't let someone else destroy you and your future in the name of relationships.

Be positive!

If you enjoyed our quotes, please kindly share and drop your comment in the comment box.

Thanks: send stories to me at queenjennyfb@gmail.com

End Relationship Violence Now

Mary Clemons cowered in her sister-in-law's bedroom closet, practically afraid to breathe. She'd known her husband, Chuck (not his real name), would come looking for her sooner or later, and now he'd finally arrived. "Have you heard from her?" Mary heard Chuck demand of his sister, who feigned ignorance. In reality, Mary had been hiding out there for two days, ever since Chuck had smothered her with a pillow until she'd seen spots. Mary had fled their apartment in the middle of the night, leaving their sleeping 3-year-old daughter behind, vowing never to go back. She'd spent the previous couple of days figuring out what to do next.

Now, from the darkness of the closet, 22-year-old Mary listened as Chuck began to cry. "I don't know where she is," he wept to his sister. "I'm so worried." The sound of Chuck's sobbing gave Mary satisfaction — but also flooded her with sympathy. He sounded so miserable. Mary was flattered to realize how devastated Chuck was by her leaving; it was proof that he really did care. She returned home the next day.

"Yep, I went back for more," she says drily, 20 years later. It wouldn't be the last time. Over her 15-year marriage to Chuck, Mary Clemons fled again and again, with each return plunging her into more horrifying abuse. "Let's see: I've been gagged, tied up, and beaten. Stripped naked in the woods, and chased with a car," remembers Mary, 42, her lilting voice tinged with the twang of her adopted hometown of Terrell, Texas. "I've had guns pulled on me, and knives held to my throat. The abuse got pretty wicked." And yet, despite the violence — which was so extreme that a shelter worker once warned her, "On a danger-level scale of one to 10, you're an 11" — she kept going back. Only on her eighth attempt did she finally escape for good, in 2002, at age 33.

A Vicious Cycle

Though it might seem inconceivable that a battered woman would keep returning to the person causing her pain, Mary's pattern is utterly typical. Studies have shown that two-thirds of battered women who leave their abusers go back within a year or two; it takes the average survivor five tries before she escapes for good. "Leaving this kind of relationship is a process, because of the huge influence the abuser has on the victim," says Veronique Valliere, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist in Fogelsville, Pennsylvania, who specializes in treating abuse victims and perpetrators. "She can't just pick up and leave; the abuser makes that impossible by the control he exerts over her life." There's only one way most women can get out of this kind of relationship, says Sheryl Cates, the former CEO of the Texas Council on Family Violence, and that's with outside help. "I would say the vast majority of women who leave do it only with the support of family or friends," Cates asserts.

One in four women is abused in her lifetime, and there are 4.8 million intimate-partner-related physical assaults and rapes reported each year, reports the National Violence Against Women Survey, sponsored by the National Institute of Justice and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. That makes domestic violence the leading cause of injury to women. On average, more than three American women are killed by their partners every day, and one-third of all women murdered in the U.S. lose their lives due to domestic abuse, say Department of Justice statistics. And because the economic downturn has contributed to a spike in domestic violence, knowing how to be there for an abused friend is more crucial than ever.

"The economy plays a huge role," says Sue Else, president of the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV). "When money is tight, when people are anxious about finances, when someone has been laid off, that tension can get funneled into physical abuse." A recent Mary Kay Inc. study found that after the financial markets tanked in September 2008, three out of four domestic violence shelters nationwide saw an increase in women seeking help, with 75% of those shelters attributing the surge to "financial issues." Cates concurs, noting that calls to Texas hotlines have jumped as much as 21%. However, the sad truth is that shelters have been hit hard by the economic downturn, too: 41% of them have had to decrease their services, reported a Mary Kay survey released last May, and 88% feared that their ability to provide services would stay the same or worsen over the year ahead.

This landscape is undoubtedly discouraging to victims of domestic violence trying to make their escape. And it showcases exactly why a supportive inner circle can make such a huge difference. "Without the people who helped me, I'd never have gotten out, and I'd be dead now," Mary says. She has a survivor's grit, but it's buoyed by a sunny optimism — because when she most needed help, she discovered not only a wellspring of inner strength, but also the courage and compassion of her friends. Together, these allowed her to reinvent her life.


From Fairytale to Horror

Mary Clemons and her daughter, Amanda.

The nightmare began, of course, as a love story. When Mary met Chuck, she was a blond and bookish 18-year-old in high school looking for direction in life — ideally, one that would take her out of her unhappy childhood home in rural Michigan. As she was growing up with her mother and two half-brothers, Mary remembers, "our house was a roller coaster of change": Mary never knew her birth father, and was adopted twice by stepfathers, the second of whom was an abusive drug addict. Lonely and shy, Mary craved stability and sought refuge in books and at church. "I prayed to be rescued by a handsome prince, like out of a storybook," she says with a smile.

Chuck seemed to fill the bill. Six foot two, with dark hair and a gregarious manner, he was the son of Mary's pastor. He lavished her with attention, opening doors for her and thrilling her with compliments. Chuck also became jealous when he'd spot her talking to other boys. "I was still a teenager, and I thought that was a sign of love: He doesn't want anyone else to have me," remembers Mary. She quickly became smitten — and pregnant. Their daughter, Amanda, was born six months after their quickie 1987 wedding, and Mary's fairy-tale dreams quickly soured.


Chuck began making excuses for not coming home right after his equipment-repair job, sometimes staying out all night drinking. Stranded in their apartment with a wailing infant, Mary burned with resentment and hurt. "We did everything together before Amanda was born; we were best friends," she says. "But once she arrived, he basically disappeared." Not that Chuck was much fun to be around anymore: He'd needle Mary about what she'd done each day — whom she'd seen, what they'd discussed — peppering their conversation with barbs, telling her that the dinner she'd cooked was awful, calling her fat and dumb. That pattern of put-downs is an early hallmark of an abuser, says NNEDV's Sue Else. "Almost immediately, he finds ways to shatter the victim's self-esteem," says Else. "She's stupid, she's ugly, she's lucky to have him — it's almost like a brainwashing; she begins to believe it."

One night, Chuck surprised Mary by coming home early from a party. "What, the party wasn't good enough for you?" Mary asked tartly.

Chuck backhanded her across the face. "What I do is my business," he snarled.

"It was like he was talking to a dog," Mary says. He ordered her to apologize for smarting off.

Mary stared at Chuck, her cheek stinging. She was filled with shock, fear — and also overwhelming shame. Here was the man she loved, whose regard for her was so important, and now he was looking at her with contempt. Mary just wanted this ugly moment to end, to make the hurt and fear and humiliation go away. And so, although she knew she'd done nothing wrong, she apologized. It took at least an hour of groveling until she convinced Chuck she was truly sorry. "All right, I'll forgive you this time," Chuck wearily told her.

Then he led her into the bedroom for makeup sex. "I had to turn off my brain to get through it," says Mary.

In the morning, Chuck was back to his playful self — cracking jokes while they dressed for church, looking handsome as he combed his hair into a neat wave. Mary smeared foundation onto her bruised cheek and resolved to move on. After all, she rationalized, she wasn't going to leave. She still loved him and was going to stick it out — if not for her own sake, then for her child's. "I wanted the best for Amanda, and that meant a two-parent household," Mary says.

I wanted the best for Amanda, and that meant a two-parent household."​

This decision may seem hard to fathom, but in fact, as NNEDV's Else points out, Mary was using a sort of emotional logic many of us can relate to. "In any relationship, we try to make things work out," observes Else. "It's only later that you may look back and say, 'I wish I'd broken up with him sooner.' " So Mary kept the episode to herself. She certainly didn't want anyone to know the truth about her now: that she was the kind of woman who'd get slapped and stay. "Shame is a huge factor," says Cates, now a national expert on domestic violence. "A modern woman is supposed to be independent, and if someone does something like that to you, it's over. No one wants to be known as the woman who puts up with it."

Mary assured herself the worst was over. It wasn't: Chuck began accusing Mary of all manner of sins — lying, cheating, not serving his meals quickly enough — and his slaps turned to all-night beatings. "His favorite thing was to sit on my chest and hold a pillow over my face," Mary remembers; he'd scold her, "If you hadn't done this, I wouldn't have to punish you." Mary heard Chuck's message loud and clear. She was to blame for the violence; peace would be restored if only she'd submit to his demands. So Mary did her best. "I still loved him, and I was sure I could fix this. So I tried to be the perfect wife," she says.
The Perfect Wife

Mary had high hopes for this "Project Housewife:" Besides wanting to please Chuck, she was also an ambitious perfectionist, and so she followed his every order to the letter. To assuage Chuck's fears of her flirting, she avoided interacting with all men — even her brothers, whom Chuck was sure hated him. Mary ironed Chuck's jeans and oxford shirts to crisp perfection before he headed out for a night on the town; when he'd wake her upon returning, complaining that he was hungry, she'd leap out of bed. "I'd be up in the middle of the night, making biscuits from scratch," she remembers. All the while, Mary made herself as unobtrusive as possible: "I never expressed my own opinions. I only said what he expected me to say." And when the beatings rained down anyway, and the fear and pain became too great to bear, she ran from their apartment, desperately seeking outside help.

The second time Mary left, it was for a shelter. But her terror was soon replaced by panic over her uncertain future — especially at the thought that Chuck might try to keep their daughter from her — and she went home. The third time Mary left, she spent the night at her devout in-laws' home, where, she says, her mother-in-law reminded her of her marriage vows and encouraged her to work things out. (Only later would Mary find out that Chuck was familiar with abuse; as a young boy, he had been beaten by his father, he confided to Mary. "That's what Chuck learned; that's the only way he knew how to take control," says Mary now. "That's the way I've been able to find peace and forgiveness in my heart, to picture him as a little boy.") The fourth and fifth times she left, she went to stay with her mother. While there, Mary didn't explain much, and her mom, Carol Rogers, didn't pry. Though Rogers fretted for Mary's safety, she herself was in an abusive relationship and could do only so much.

Such modeling of abuse encourages domestic violence to span generations, says psychologist Valliere. "Growing up in a household with abuse, girls in particular really internalize it," she explains. "They come to think this is what love means, this is what you need to tolerate in order to be loved."

Each time Mary returned to Chuck, her decision was confirmed as a good one, because she was rewarded not just with a temporary peace, but with the return of the man she'd fallen in love with. "We'd have this honeymoon period where he was nice to me again. I couldn't help myself; I fell for it," remembers Mary. Chuck would come straight home from work, sometimes with flowers in hand, "and we'd have family time. He'd crack us up and laugh. Or we'd work in the yard...all the things that happen in a normal home." Most important, Chuck doted on Mary. There were date nights followed by lovemaking, with Chuck holding her all night long. "I got enough of a glimpse of a normal life to be like,Look, he can be a family man; we can do this," says Mary.

That happy-family fantasy was so strong that when the beatings began again — as they inevitably did — she didn't flee immediately. "Hope is what kept me there," Mary says. "It kept me a prisoner."

Every time I came back, we'd have this honeymoon period where he was nice to me again. I couldn't help falling for i​t."

Help From Outside

At the J&R Grocery store, 45-year-old night manager Mary Cizczion watched as her favorite cashier, Mary Clemons, worked the register. Cizczion noticed Mary's curious behaviors: how she ducked her head with male customers; how she always wore long sleeves, even in summer. And Cizczion saw how agitated Mary would become as her shift ended each night, never lingering for a moment before dashing out to Chuck's waiting car. "She seemed so controlled, so fearful," recalls Cizczion. "I suspected something wasn't right."

They were subtle clues, but Cizczion's senses had been sharpened by experience. Years earlier, when one of her sisters had been in an abusive first marriage, she'd confronted the couple, saying, "I don't want him in my house!" Her strategy had backfired: For years after that, Cizczion had barely seen or spoken with her sister. "I didn't realize the last thing you should do is get in the middle of it," says Cizczion.

Urging a woman to walk out on her abuser seems like the most obvious way to help a friend. For most people, it's the knee-jerk response. But hurling an ultimatum is exactly the wrong way to react. Explains NNEDV's Else: "The fact that people say, 'Just get out of there' implies there's no alternative but to get out. If a woman is still intent on saving the relationship, the advice will only make her feel foolish and alienate her." In addition, making a scene in front of the tormentor himself is downright dangerous. It practically ensures that he'll sever your friendship and then possibly hurt the very friend you were trying to protect, says Valliere: "That is very dangerous for the victim, because the abuser feels rage and humiliation, and he's going to make somebody pay for that."

With Mary Clemons, Cizczion was determined not to make the same mistake again. When Mary first hinted at Chuck's violence, Cizczion expressed horror at his behavior and concern for Mary's safety, but kept her comments as positive as she could. "She never judged me," remembers Mary. "She always encouraged me; she told me how smart and talented I was and that I deserved better." This was crucial validation for Mary, whose life had become an echo chamber of self-doubt.

And so as the abuse worsened, Mary confided the details. She told Cizczion of the way Chuck would sit in the grocery parking lot each night, working himself into such a fury over her supposed flirtations that on many nights he'd begin beating her the second she got into the car. Sometimes their 4-year-old daughter was even in the backseat; Chuck would instruct Amanda to lie down and go to sleep, and the child eventually trained herself to comply.

Then there was the night when Mary, stooped and limping, showed Cizczion the evidence of her latest pummeling: arms bruised black from wrist to elbow, a belly the color of a rotting plum. Mary explained that Chuck had tied her hands behind her back and punched her in the stomach for three hours. Afterward, Mary had crawled to the bathroom and vomited blood.

"He could've killed you!" Cizczion exclaimed. Mary knew her friend was right. And when, one month later, another fight began brewing in the Clemons household, Cizczion's words reverberated in Mary's head and prompted her to run across the street and call her grandfather to pick her up. It was the sixth time she left.

Mary stayed away with Amanda for six months, living with relatives. But while her life was free from abuse, it wasn't peaceful. Chuck was a constant: badgering her, surprising her when she least expected it, and — perhaps worst of all — threatening to fight her for custody of Amanda. At the same time, he was trying to woo Mary back by asking her out on dates and by renovating their home exactly the way she'd wanted, even hanging up her cherished family photos. "I got a glimpse of the person I married: the romance, the hugs and sweet things," says Mary.

By displaying his "good husband" side, Chuck was engaging in textbook abuser behavior. "After the victim leaves, the abuser makes all the promises and apologies she's been waiting to hear," says Valliere. " 'I finally realize how much you mean to me'; 'I'm going to change.' She's always wanted to believe that — deep down inside — he's a good person, so it's such a relief. It's what her heart and soul have been starving for."

Meanwhile, Mary's family members never complained about hosting her, but they were clearly on edge — especially when Chuck would call to accuse them of breaking up his home. As time passed, Mary felt like a burden on her relatives. In despair, she went to a shelter to explore her options and was dismayed to learn it would only be able to house her for 30 days. This is typical of shelters in resource-starved regions, say experts. "Then what?" she asked the counselor, who had no reply. Mary couldn't see a way out.

"Here I had a minimum-wage job and no life," Mary remembers. "And then here's my husband, with our beautifully remodeled house and all the things from the life we had built, and he's saying, 'You can have all this if you come back.' So what kind of choice is that?" Experts agree that economics is among the top reasons abuse survivors have trouble getting away. "Especially if the victim has children, she has to figure out how to care for them, how to put food on the table," says NNEDV's Else. "She may escape and go to a safe environment for a period of time, but she has to make it on her own at some point."

As Mary meekly called Chuck to say she was moving back in — feeling "scared to death, sick to my stomach, frightened out of my mind, and hopeful that things were going to change" — she made note of a valuable lesson she'd learned: Her next escape would require more preparation.

The Getaway Plan

The seventh time Mary left, it was so perfectly orchestrated and involved so much help from friends, it seemed impossible she'd ever go back. It was now 1997, four years later. Things had been fairly calm at home for a stretch, especially after Mary had quit the grocery to work as a bank teller: Not only was the pay better, but the move had pacified Chuck, who wanted Mary as far from her confidante Mary Cizczion as possible. But Mary found herself under tighter control than ever. For example, though she now had her own car, Chuck required her to be home within minutes of the bank's closing. Racing home each day with barely enough time to pick up Amanda, she tried desperately to appease him. Nevertheless, the savage violence started anew.

Mary's fellow tellers had gradually noticed the fearful way she talked about Chuck. "She did a good job of covering up her bruises," remembers manager Terri Kelly. "But I have a sixth sense for those kinds of things — my mother had a couple of bad marriages, and my sister and I were abused by her second husband." Kelly was alarmed at the level of violence Mary eventually confided: that Chuck had run her car off the road; that Chuck had shot a raccoon in a tree, then warned Mary he'd do the very same thing to her. "If he's threatening you like that, you need to do whatever you can to stay safe," she urged her coworker.

Mary had come to trust Kelly, and took her words to heart. And, mindful of her last escape attempt, she started planning. She began putting aside a little portion of her earnings to build up a nest egg. When Mary was told she would be laid off, she realized her severance payment would provide a financial cushion. At home, under the guise of spring cleaning, she rearranged her closets to make the few possessions she'd take with her (clothes, medical records, some photos) readily accessible. All the pieces were falling into place. What she needed now was a push.

That prompting came when one day a fellow teller got fed up listening to Mary tell yet another tale of woe and said, "Enough already! We're willing to help you, but you have to be willing to help yourself." Mary was offended — but also inspired. "I was finally ready to hear it," she says.

Mary told Kelly she wanted out, and Kelly leaped into action. A friend who was selling her home was contacted, and she agreed to let Mary and 8-year-old Amanda stay in the vacant house for minimal rent. Then, in the middle of a workday, Kelly and her husband loaded up a few of Mary's belongings and drove her to her new home. When, on her next workday, Mary strode into the bank — for one of her last days on the job — she was all smiles. And she was bowled over when her coworkers handed her an envelope stuffed with $300 they'd collected toward paying a divorce lawyer. "I was stunned that people cared enough to help me, because I didn't feel like I was worthy," she recalls.

"And then, about a month later, I went back to him," she says in a hollow voice.

I was so embarrassed that friends had helped me, and for nothing."

This time, her mind had been changed by something she hadn't expected: Amanda's insistence that her parents get back together. Mary had allowed Chuck to have access to their daughter — on the advice of her new divorce attorney, she says. But after each visit with her father, the third grader would return to Mary parroting the tender things her daddy had told her: that he was brokenhearted, that he loved Mary more than he could say, that Mary was breaking up their family. "Amanda was my heart. To see her so upset with me was too much," remembers Mary. "I let it get to me. I let him get to me."

Why would an abuser be so intent on winning back his victim? The answer, says Valliere, hearkens back to the same reason a man abuses in the first place: The abuser has a faulty belief system in which he feels he's entitled to own and possess his partner, and he uses control and power strategies to fulfill that belief system. "Losing the victim is the ultimate example of losing control. The abuser needs to regain that sense of being powerful, and to do that, he needs to get her back," says Valliere.

Word spread fast among Mary's would-be heroes at the bank. When, not long afterward, Mary ran into them, she could read the stony disappointment in their faces. She especially couldn't bear to be around Kelly, even though Kelly took pains to act neutral. "I was so embarrassed that friends had helped me, and for nothing," Mary says. "I had let them down." Mary was actually grateful to have been laid off; she never wanted to see those people again.
Dreaming of Escape

For the next five years, Mary was a prisoner in her own home. She wasn't allowed to find a new job. She needed permission to leave the house — Chuck kept her car keys — and was kept on a tight allowance. The blinds were kept closed. They didn't have cable TV or Internet access; Mary was forbidden even to read Christian romance novels, which Chuck said filled her head with impure thoughts. She spent her days cleaning their already spotless home and playing gospel hymns on the piano. "That — that was a very hard time," says Mary, her voice straining to remain upbeat while remembering the darkest period of her life. "To be home all day and have nobody to talk to and nothing to do just drove me freaking crazy. I would get out my sheet music and play for hours and hours. That saved me from suicide, probably."

As hopeless as Mary might have seemed, somewhere deep down inside she was still plotting her getaway: When Chuck mentioned wanting to start his own business, Mary convinced him to let her read up on office management, and taught herself how to type — all the while thinking of the job skills she'd one day need when she finally got away. (In an act of private defiance, she practiced typing by writing Christian romance novels.)

She fantasized about escape, egged on by Amanda, now in eighth grade and Mary's only link to the outside world. Despite her ability to fall asleep on demand, Amanda had come to realize how very sheltered and violent her family life was. She would beg Mary, "Mom, we need to go!" "Once she told me that one way or another, she was going to get out of the house — and I was afraid she was either going to commit suicide or run away," remembers Mary. Amanda's pleas took on a new urgency when Chuck's violence took a ferocious turn, including a night in April 2002 when he held a loaded shotgun to Mary's temple and clicked off the safety. "He said he was going to kill me and then himself," Mary says. "That's when I knew we were going to be one of those families you see on the six o'clock news."

And yet it still took one final beating to persuade Mary to leave. Mary and Amanda were driving back from a weeknight church service when Amanda asked if they could stop for ice cream; they pulled into a drive-through for a cone, which made them 20 minutes late getting home. Chuck had gone out looking for them, and when he returned home, fully aware of this infraction and furious, he ordered Amanda — who was sobbing and apologizing to her mom — to go to her room and turn on the TV. Then, for seven hours, Chuck strangled and smothered Mary, telling her, "I'm going to do this until you pass out. Then I'm going to take you out to the forest, and no one will ever know [what happened]." Finally, toward dawn, as the pair struggled on the bed, they fell in a heap onto the floor, and a burst of searing pain shot up Mary's back; she could barely move. She was in such agony that Chuck had to lift her back onto the bed for their ritual makeup sex. Even then, he ordered her to get on top.

"The level of violence he reached that night was like nothing I'd ever experienced," says Mary. "I didn't know what he was capable of doing beyond that, and I didn't want to find out." The next morning Mary intentionally let Amanda oversleep and miss her bus. Then she asked Chuck for permission to drive Amanda to school, which he granted. As soon as he left for work, Mary shuffled into her daughter's room, bent double from the pain, her face covered with scratches. "We need to go," she told her daughter.

Amanda looked at her mother, eyes wide. "Let's go," she said, leaping out of bed. They stuffed some clothing into two of Amanda's backpacks, then drove to a shelter for battered women and waited in the parking lot for it to open.

For seven hours, Chuck strangled and smothered Mary​.

No Looking Back

Mary never went back — and that was largely because her support network, held at bay for so long, rushed in to help her through the next grueling months. The calls Mary made from the shelter were some of the hardest she had ever made: one to her mother, one to Cizczion, and one to Kelly, telling each what had happened. "I was telling myself, They told you so," says Mary. But her friends expressed only sympathy and support, reassuring Mary that she'd done the right thing and eventually promising to testify at Chuck's trial — because, after an investigation by the Michigan State Police, Chuck was charged with attempted murder.

"If ever there was a textbook domestic violence case, it was Mary's," says State Trooper Scott Ernstes, who, after being assigned to Mary's case, became a crucial link in her support network. In a bizarre twist, the police had initially been called in at Chuck's behest; he had falsely reported that Mary had abused Amanda. "We see that a lot: 'I'm gonna call the police before you do, so they believe me and don't believe you,'" says Ernstes, who guided Mary through the legal process.

When finally it came time for Mary to testify at Chuck's preliminary hearing, Ernstes — along with a domestic violence advocate — sat with her in the courtroom. "Testifying was horrible and terrifying, with the attorney grilling me, and my husband and his family staring me down. I was nearly paralyzed with fear thinking about what Chuck might try to do to me later," remembers Mary. "I wouldn't have gotten through it if it wasn't for Scott. I can hardly explain how much he helped to save my life." In addition to standing by in the courtroom, Ernstes escorted Mary to and from the courthouse, walking her through the parking lot when she was in her most shaken and fearful state. "He would call us at the shelter and then at my apartment just about every time he went on duty, just to check on us," Mary recalls. "It was only much later that I realized just how far beyond the call of duty he went to watch over me and my child, and I am so very grateful for that."

On the eve of the trial in late 2002, the prosecutor contacted Mary. Chuck's attorney had requested a plea bargain; did she want to go to trial or accept Chuck's receiving a reduced sentence? Knowing that her daughter, Amanda, was expected to take the stand during the trial and wanting to spare her that brutal experience, Mary accepted the offer. Chuck pleaded guilty to aggravated domestic violence, a misdemeanor versus the felony he had been charged with. His sentence of one year of probation was a huge disappointment to Mary, though she did feel somewhat vindicated to hear him publicly admit that he was guilty.

When Mary picked her daughter up from school that day and told her she didn't need to testify, she says, "Amanda broke down sobbing with relief in the car. I knew I had made the right decision. My child was more important."


Finally Free

Mary Clemons today.

At 42, Mary Clemons is enjoying her new life, with help from her friends. Once her divorce was granted — with her getting full custody of Amanda — she got as far away from Michigan as she could, moving to Terrell, Texas, where she had old friends from high school and relatives. She embarked on a new career as an office manager for an insurance company, aided by the know-how she'd gained during her years in captivity.

But she also wanted to help other domestic violence survivors — to be a friend to women in need, just as others had been there for her. So in 2005, she cofounded a women's advocacy center called Healing Hearts Ministry, which has to date provided food, shelter, and counseling referrals as well as other services to more than 600 victims of domestic violence. "I owe so much to the people in my life who helped get me out, and now I have a chance to do that for other people, to use my experience to prevent other people from going through what I did," says Mary.

Not that Mary herself is fully healed. Years of counseling have helped control her post-traumatic stress disorder, but scars remain. She is leery of relationships. When she became pregnant during a rebound relationship, she kept the baby but jilted her boyfriend at the altar. "I'm the runaway bride," she says with an uncertain laugh. Then, more seriously: "Any little conflict in a relationship becomes a big freak-out for me; I have to get to a point where I can be more trusting."

And everyday moments can bring on terrible flashbacks. Recently, her 6-year-old son and Amanda, now 23 (who lives nearby and is working as a fashion designer), got into a pillow fight, and the sounds of their swatting and shrieking sent Mary into a rage. "Hearing them saying, 'Stop, stop' — well, it makes my hair stand up even thinking about it. Now we have a new rule: No pillow fights till Mommy can handle it."

And then there's the recurring nightmare: Mary dreams she's in her old house and that Chuck is holding her hostage and beating her — yet she knows that just beyond her front door are her friends, her family, and her new beautiful life, beckoning. "It's terrifying," she says. "Because I can see that life, but I can't escape, I can't get to it."

In the dream, Mary remains trapped in the horror of knowing that freedom is so close but unattainable. But it always ends the same way: She wakes up and realizes, with relief and amazement, that she's made it out after all.

True Life Relationship Story of Mary Clemons. This article is appeared on GoodHouseKeeping Magazine